The women in my Connect Group encouraged me to pray for Jason or even with Jason. Ummm, that would be totally awkward I thought since we didn't even talk about God at home! They also encouraged me to pray for those around me that we were having major relational change with. I struggled with a lot of things during this transitional time.... pride mostly. Why would I pray for someone that I just had an argument with? Why would I pray for others in my life that kept continually hurting me on a regular basis? But I started praying, and God forgave me that the prayers weren't whole-hearted at all...actually they were kinda angry I'm sure. Know what's crazy? I kept praying and instead of changing all those around me...my heart changed. It was such a difficult, transitional time, but God was 'conditioning' my heart for what was to come & trying to get me to be a follower! God began blessing my husband & I....we found out we were expecting our 2nd child, Jason got his dream job, and some relationships in our lives began improving. (other difficult situations still remained in our lives so not everything was 'perfect' by any means. God was using those situations as well for our good....He's amazing like that...He uses terrible, difficult situations in our lives & makes them for our betterment!)
The way God was working on our hearts was His way of getting us ready for what was to come. In May of 2011 our close friends lost their baby, Jude, to SIDS. Baby Jude & our son Graham were only 10 days apart. Jason & I were devastated for them. We have heard of things like this that happen but they don't happen to people we know. We just couldn't wrap our brains around it. We were still reeling & greiving for our friends when 5 weeks later the horrific events in our family that I talk about in Part 1 began.
In the days during & after Vera's passing we gave in, we gave up, we surrendered. Jason & I knew that we would not survive this time if we did not surrender it all to God. I especially wouldn't have made it.....if I was in the same place I was at the beginning of Part 1, everything would have been so different in my life & it would have been my fault. I thank God everyday for 'conditioning' me to help prepare me to depend completely on Him so that I could make it through this. Jason & I prayed together out loud for the first time the days after this tragedy. You'll hear Christians use the term "They 'get it'" or "So-and- so doesn't 'get it'" Those days afterward... we "got it". We got the love of Christ, we got what it meant to have a relationship with God, we got the heart filled Christ feeling. I like to call this the "smack on the forehead" effect! God had been trying to get our attention for so long & Vera's passing was what got our attention. He took the tragedy of her passing for our betterment, we became Christians....not just Sunday Christians (or fans) but followers. This was the time Jason & I became followers of Christ. I regret that it took the passing of my beautiful neice for God to get my attention....I wish I would have 'come around' before that, how different my life would have been, how much better....but everything in my past, my story, my testimony, may touch someone else's heart, that's why He wanted me to put it out there. I'm here now & He loves me no matter when I finally 'got it'.
God set so many things into motion: When Vera passed I had just started a new job in which the company donated food, flowers & understanding to the funeral, then He put the perfect house for us in our path so that we could move out of my parents house, then Jay finished training & became a full-time firefighter/paramedic for the city of Columbus (his dream job), we had found the perfect sitter whom we trusted & loved but she had an injury & couldn't care for our kids for months. Jason & I fully believe God placed that in our lives to force me to stay home because that is what He was calling me to do. Friends & even aquaintances came to Christ or just started coming to church because of Vera's passing. God took such a horrific tragedy in our family & created so many blessings!
I'm still in awe of what God is doing in my life. Jason & I joined a Connect Group. We love every single person in that group so much & each of them have impacted our life. We also began teaching Sunday school to kindergartners......yes, this we prayed about, still had our doubts but were encouraged by the Children's Ministry director/pastor that he prayed about it & we are the perfect people for the job! Uh....ok....reluctant about our abilities, we agreed. I was all for the learning part & working with kids. Jason on the other hand, said he was not going to do it but I got him to agree to just stand in the classroom as my "bouncer" & if I needed help passing out papers or something. I can't believe the change! Jason does the sound (and we are actually lost without him when he has to work because he is so fantastic at it!), we also team teach in the classroom! I don't like to teach a Sunday without him & it has created so much growth together in our marriage & parenting! I have become a 'host teacher' which means while Jason is doing the sound I'm doing the dances, praying, & playing games with all the kids K-3rd grade.
For the first time in my life, I feel that our lives are built on a solid foundation. I love my husband in a completely different, deeper way because of Christ. I parent my children on a different level & I understand my role as their mother in a way that is hard to describe. We're somewhat 'new' to this so we are constantly learning, we are constantly sinning, & we are definitely not perfect. But, because Christ loves us, we understand that we are forgiven & can now make choices that are Godly instead of self-involved (for example: God placed on my heart awhile ago to have a 3rd baby & I ignored it until I couldn't anymore. I introduced it to Jason, we agreed to pray about it since he wasn't not a fan of the idea & one day he said God placed it on his heart too! I'm due in December:). We work hard everyday to seek Him, some days harder than others (we're working on that). Our journey to Christ has taken so many years, definitely tears, struggles, hardship, heartache, & heartbreak. Now that we've 'found' Him, we are so excited for our future & what He has in store for us! Thanks for reading this & sharing in the first part of our journey!
I love you all & will continue to pray for you!! :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
My story, my testimony Part 2
"God wants to use not just some of your past for His good- but ALL of it. He will not waste anything"- Annie Lobert
In high school I was a cheerleader, I loved the social life. My mom took my sister & I to a Catholic church when we were younger but she left the choice to go up to us when we reached a certain age. Of course I opted not to go since I thought it was painful to get through that 1 hour on Sunday morning....I was more concerned with what I was missing socially by being at church. My high school years were spent trying to impress the boys, drinking & smoking cigarettes when I drank. I held my parents & others at a high place & didn't want to disappoint anyone so I had decent grades & did everything I thought would make them proud & was really good at hiding what I was doing when they weren't around.
Thankfully, in college, I loved academics. I found what I really loved to do, Organizational Communications, & excelled. While my partying reduced, it didn't stop & I still had the same people/friends in my life that were hardcore partying so the influences were still there. I continued to make bad choices with men, I couldn't understand why it wasn't working, why did I feel so alone but yet surrounded by so many people. Even though I was excelling academically, I didn't feel good, I felt empty. Then my husband, Jason, & I started dating. He was my best friend's at the time, brother. We had known each other for a long time but had never made a connection....until then. (as I recall my 'timeline' of my journey to Christ, I can see how God was with me every step of the way, had his hand in every situation, I just didn't pay attention to Him.) Jason came into my life at just the right time. We partied together, we had fun but we also were making plans for our future & that involved marriage & children. We have always been on the same page about where our life was headed, what we wanted, how we wanted to parent our children. Our marriage was definitely arranged by God. We were making plans to purchase a home, we discussed getting engaged & when we would have children. We decided that we wanted our future children to grow up in church, to know God (which always cracks me up when I think back on that because we didn't KNOW God but wanted it for our children:) My uncle was a pastor at Lancaster Community Church so we decided to give it a try...besides my sister & her husband went there so it must be pretty good & LCC served donuts that you could eat in the santuary!! Growing up Catholic, this was totally crazy & awesome to me! This was the beginning of the fire God lit inside of us.
Now I don't want that to sound like 'we got it' after that one visit..... cuz' we didn't. My journey to Christ took many years. Jason & I would go on Sundays but sometimes we would be too tired & wouldn't go, sometimes we had too much to do that day, sometimes we partied too late the night before. We didn't study the bible at home, we weren't in a Connect Group, we didn't have any friends inside the church...we still had the same life, the same friends...which wasn't changing anything. We didn't want the 'fun' to stop, we didn't want to ditch our friends.... what we didn't know is that we didn't have to do that. We didn't know that the 'fun', destructive things we were doing were ultimately keeping us from having a relationship with Christ & were negatively effecting many other areas of our lives.
Jason & I were married in 2008. We had our daughter Ava in September of 2009. As you know from Part 1, Vera was born in September as well. The girls were 11 days apart...my sister & I were due the same day... my sister & I did everything together, we are best friends. In high school we had the same friends (still do), she was homecoming queen-I was attendant at the same time, we married men that look similar:), we got married in the same church, had our receptions at the same venue, & then we were having a baby at the same time! While pregnant with Ava my life began to change. My mothering instincts started kicking in. Of course the partying stopped completely for me, I started making plans for her future.... I wanted stability for her, brightness, comfort. When Ava was born, mine & Jason's life changed, forever. Some relationships in our lives started deteriorating due to our hearts knowing what we needed to do for Ava & what God wanted for her & others wanted to continue the way it was before Ava. I had post paratum depression..... not the 'put your baby in an oven' kind but constantly worried something was going to happen to her, she wasn't going to get enough to eat, that I wasn't sufficient enough to care for her. Jason went to work one day & I found myself on the floor on my knees sobbing & praying. That was huge. I got up from the floor, with total peace & for the first time could just enjoy Ava for a few moments without worry. My post paratum didn't end that day but it was a pivotal moment where God changed something in me...He made me begin to understand how important I was as a mother in Ava's life....I was more than enough for her because He created me to be.
Wow, it's amazing to me how He worked in my life as I reflect on the past! For reasons I didn't understand at the time, God led my heart to spend more time at LCC....more time with people from there. I joined a women's bible study which completely changed my life. The women in that group are now some of my closest, dearest friends. I began to understand what a Christ-hearted woman is suppose to look like....what a REAL friend is suppose to look like....what REAL support feels like. I could see all those things in those women....I just didn't know how to transform my life to get there too.... I wanted to be that friend, mentor, encouragement to someone else too.... I wanted to be filled with joy no matter what circumstances my life had in it......everything began to change. My marriage began improving, how I treated & interacted with my husband. What was difficult is that I was so excited about this change & Jason is my best friend so I wanted him to be completely on board with me .... but he wasn't at first. He loved going to church but he wasn't ready to 'surrender' anything which kinda made me go back & forth a lot because I wanted my husband to be on the journey with me.... all in.
Ok so my promise of not getting too winded has kinda been broken hehe:) I'll post a part 3 hopefully in the next couple of days!
Love you all!
In high school I was a cheerleader, I loved the social life. My mom took my sister & I to a Catholic church when we were younger but she left the choice to go up to us when we reached a certain age. Of course I opted not to go since I thought it was painful to get through that 1 hour on Sunday morning....I was more concerned with what I was missing socially by being at church. My high school years were spent trying to impress the boys, drinking & smoking cigarettes when I drank. I held my parents & others at a high place & didn't want to disappoint anyone so I had decent grades & did everything I thought would make them proud & was really good at hiding what I was doing when they weren't around.
Thankfully, in college, I loved academics. I found what I really loved to do, Organizational Communications, & excelled. While my partying reduced, it didn't stop & I still had the same people/friends in my life that were hardcore partying so the influences were still there. I continued to make bad choices with men, I couldn't understand why it wasn't working, why did I feel so alone but yet surrounded by so many people. Even though I was excelling academically, I didn't feel good, I felt empty. Then my husband, Jason, & I started dating. He was my best friend's at the time, brother. We had known each other for a long time but had never made a connection....until then. (as I recall my 'timeline' of my journey to Christ, I can see how God was with me every step of the way, had his hand in every situation, I just didn't pay attention to Him.) Jason came into my life at just the right time. We partied together, we had fun but we also were making plans for our future & that involved marriage & children. We have always been on the same page about where our life was headed, what we wanted, how we wanted to parent our children. Our marriage was definitely arranged by God. We were making plans to purchase a home, we discussed getting engaged & when we would have children. We decided that we wanted our future children to grow up in church, to know God (which always cracks me up when I think back on that because we didn't KNOW God but wanted it for our children:) My uncle was a pastor at Lancaster Community Church so we decided to give it a try...besides my sister & her husband went there so it must be pretty good & LCC served donuts that you could eat in the santuary!! Growing up Catholic, this was totally crazy & awesome to me! This was the beginning of the fire God lit inside of us.
Now I don't want that to sound like 'we got it' after that one visit..... cuz' we didn't. My journey to Christ took many years. Jason & I would go on Sundays but sometimes we would be too tired & wouldn't go, sometimes we had too much to do that day, sometimes we partied too late the night before. We didn't study the bible at home, we weren't in a Connect Group, we didn't have any friends inside the church...we still had the same life, the same friends...which wasn't changing anything. We didn't want the 'fun' to stop, we didn't want to ditch our friends.... what we didn't know is that we didn't have to do that. We didn't know that the 'fun', destructive things we were doing were ultimately keeping us from having a relationship with Christ & were negatively effecting many other areas of our lives.
Jason & I were married in 2008. We had our daughter Ava in September of 2009. As you know from Part 1, Vera was born in September as well. The girls were 11 days apart...my sister & I were due the same day... my sister & I did everything together, we are best friends. In high school we had the same friends (still do), she was homecoming queen-I was attendant at the same time, we married men that look similar:), we got married in the same church, had our receptions at the same venue, & then we were having a baby at the same time! While pregnant with Ava my life began to change. My mothering instincts started kicking in. Of course the partying stopped completely for me, I started making plans for her future.... I wanted stability for her, brightness, comfort. When Ava was born, mine & Jason's life changed, forever. Some relationships in our lives started deteriorating due to our hearts knowing what we needed to do for Ava & what God wanted for her & others wanted to continue the way it was before Ava. I had post paratum depression..... not the 'put your baby in an oven' kind but constantly worried something was going to happen to her, she wasn't going to get enough to eat, that I wasn't sufficient enough to care for her. Jason went to work one day & I found myself on the floor on my knees sobbing & praying. That was huge. I got up from the floor, with total peace & for the first time could just enjoy Ava for a few moments without worry. My post paratum didn't end that day but it was a pivotal moment where God changed something in me...He made me begin to understand how important I was as a mother in Ava's life....I was more than enough for her because He created me to be.
Wow, it's amazing to me how He worked in my life as I reflect on the past! For reasons I didn't understand at the time, God led my heart to spend more time at LCC....more time with people from there. I joined a women's bible study which completely changed my life. The women in that group are now some of my closest, dearest friends. I began to understand what a Christ-hearted woman is suppose to look like....what a REAL friend is suppose to look like....what REAL support feels like. I could see all those things in those women....I just didn't know how to transform my life to get there too.... I wanted to be that friend, mentor, encouragement to someone else too.... I wanted to be filled with joy no matter what circumstances my life had in it......everything began to change. My marriage began improving, how I treated & interacted with my husband. What was difficult is that I was so excited about this change & Jason is my best friend so I wanted him to be completely on board with me .... but he wasn't at first. He loved going to church but he wasn't ready to 'surrender' anything which kinda made me go back & forth a lot because I wanted my husband to be on the journey with me.... all in.
Ok so my promise of not getting too winded has kinda been broken hehe:) I'll post a part 3 hopefully in the next couple of days!
Love you all!
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